I receive a facebook message. It is a friends request from the girl I love with all my heart. I accept her invite and click on her profile page. Her status message reads: Last night my boyfriend took some black and white pictures of us semi-naked and completely entwined. You can see them in the photo album entitled: 'artful naked'.
I delete my facebook account and start to cry.
The phone rings. I pick it up. It is the girl I love with all my heart. 'Hello,' I say. The girl I love with all my heart replies: Hello. I have just had a triple orgasm. My boyfriend is brilliant in the bedroom. I have never been so satisfied in all my life.
I slam the phone down and start to cry.
I wander aimlessly down the street. Suddenly the girl I love with all my heart appears before me. 'I've stopped smoking,' I shout, 'kiss me now, kiss me now. I smell so sweet'.
The girl I love with all my heart scrunches up her dead cute face and says: You smell of poo. My boyfriend smells much nicer than you. He smells of pheromones and manly things. And he is extraordinarily rich. We are engaged to be married. Look at my ring. Have you ever seen a diamond so big?'.
I look at her ring and start to cry.
I am having a wonderful dream about naked ladies I've only just met. Suddenly the girl I love with all my heart appears at the foot of my bed. She is completely naked. 'Hello,' I say, 'have you come to join us?'
The girl I love with all my heart shakes her head, clicks her fingers, and the naked ladies that once draped across my bed suddenly turn into a hairy-arsed man. 'This is my boyfriend,' smiles the girl I love with all my heart. 'We are going to have sex now. You can watch us if you want, but we could be here all night - having sex with each other in every position known to man.'
After seven hours of utter hell, I finally awake from my torturous dream and start to cry.
My family and I stand over the grave and mourn the loss of Uncle Malcolm. Auntie Dawn is inconsolable. It is a desperately somber Wednesday afternoon.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a girl dressed in white, running barefoot through the meadow of the dead. It is the girl I love with all my heart. She is shouting: Boys have never satisfied my inner desires but my new boyfriend is unlike anyone I have met before. He has touched me in places I truly thought were dead. I have never felt so alive. I have never felt so alive.
She waves at me.
I wave back at her and start to cry.
There is a knock at the door. It is a delivery man. He is holding a six-foot seven-inch cardboard cutout of a man. I sign the delivery man's receipt book and take the six-foot seven-inch mystery man into the kitchen. There is a card attached to it. It is from the girl I love with all my heart. The card reads: This is a life-size cardboard cutout of my boyfriend. As you can see, he is very handsome. And quite muscular.
I look at the cardboard man leaning against my freezer, light a cheap cigarette, and start to cry.
I open my curtains and let the sunshine in. It is a new day, I think to myself, it is a new life. But then I notice the girl I love with all my heart sitting in the tree outside my house. She is holding a placard which reads: I am having sex on a regular basis with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. He is very handsome.
She waves at me.
I close my curtains and start to cry.
