I decided to go to bed at 10 pm. If the ‘normal’ people can do it – then a ‘crazy in the head’ person like myself can do it too, I foolishly thought, wandering up the stairs.
I spend the next 3 hours dreaming about my bearded Granny and her evil friends waving Samurai swords in my face, shouting ‘So what’s your name, Motherfucker?’
‘Andre’ I shout back ‘My name is Andre’
They don’t believe me. And just as it gets to the gruesome part – I wake up.
I spent the next thirty minutes, mentally rewriting the dream in my head.
It’s now 2am. I am wide-awake, and find myself sitting at my computer, with a big bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes writing this all down in chronological order. I am clearly quite mad. But it has to be done.
I’ve just remembered that someone recently said that one in four people suffer from a mental health issue. I am clearly a member of that one in four crazy party – I mean – it’s almost 3 am and I’m writing about my bearded Granny? Oh, I must do a one in four drawing – be back in a mo.
Okay, so I’ve completed my 1 in 4 drawing [am not very impressed – but at least it’s out of my system].
In the normal world it might be true that one in four of us are mental deranged - but in the world of the interweb, I can’t help but wonder if it might be a little closer to one in two. Why is that?
Ghastly tabloids like the News of the World would have you believe that anyone visiting the interweb in the middle of the night is either reading 'how to make a bomb from horse manure and two bits of string' websites or is about to jump of a multi-storey car park in the middle of the night because they’ve completely had enough of their sad-fuck life. Bollocks. Most of the interweb people that I’ve met are incredibly creative Guardian Newspaper types … Bingo – maybe that’s it – maybe crazy in the head people aren’t really crazy in the head – maybe they’re just really, really creative? Think about it. Boring, grey, middle of the road humdrums worry about being late for work – not being able to fix their washing machines – They get upset, cry even, when someone they once trusted explains to them that the people on Coronation street and Eastenders aren’t real – they are actors. Whereas, incredibly creative people worry about the really scary things like - the evil child catcher that lives in their attic, or their disbelieving bearded Granny and her swash buckling friends.
I wonder if a clever psychotherapist has written such a thesis? I must google search at once – be back in a mo.
Can’t find anything.
Maybe I’ve just discovered it? Maybe I’m the Stephen Hawking's of Manic Depression.
I am ace.
‘Hello, my name is Andre and I’m not a crazy in the head person, oh no, I’m just a very sensitive soul with an incredibly creative mind’
Oh, and I’ve just thought of a new drawing – be back in a mo.
Okay so I’ve done another drawing - I quite like this one [might put it at the bottom of the post – not sure - anyway I’m not finished yet – oh no – my mind is whizzing – have now got the urge to go into town and buy the lovely, lovely red jacket I saw – but it’s only 3.30am so I’m a bit fucked … bugger … will have to write a post about it … get it out of my system]
I have seen a rather nice red army style coat/jacket. I want to buy it. It is very hip and trendy and it shouts ‘very arty person approaching’. I want it. It has clearly been made for people like me. Unfortunately, it is sitting in a teenybopper shop called TOPMAN. I am very cross. I am 38. People my aged aren’t allowed to enter teenybopper shops called TOPMAN. It’s the law. The young people will get frightened.
I am very tempted to lie down in the middle of my high street and die.
I hate being 38.
Tomorrow [today] – I shall visit the charity shops in search of red army style coats/jackets.
This is allowed.
Maybe I should just hang about outside the teenybopper shop and wait for a trustworthy young person that is willing to buy the red army style coat/jacket for me?
am now going to bed - have warn myself out - Goodnight.
Posted by: andre | October 03, 2005 at 10:08 PM
Wow, you have really been having some wicked dreams lately, haven't you.? I tend to agree whole heartedly with your theory. I think we are more creative, and our minds just create these distactions for us as a way of 'shutting down'. Yes, write a book, make loads of cash, and share with those of us who have constantly supported and loved you.
As far as the coat goes, to hell with it, if you want it, just go buy it. If it truly was made for people like you, then it wouldn't do for people like you not to get it, now would it?
Posted by: Darcy | October 03, 2005 at 11:01 PM
Not to be a pain in your 'you know what', but I think you meant worn, not warn.
Then again, maybe i'm wrong, in which case, i'm sorry.
Really, who the hell do I think I am correcting you....you are Ace.
Posted by: Darcy | October 03, 2005 at 11:04 PM
1 out of every 4 people have mental health issues. Think of your 3 best friends. If they're all okay, it's you.
38 is a lovely age.
Normal is highly overrated.
Get the coat.
Posted by: Dawn | October 03, 2005 at 11:18 PM
Pleasant dreams Andre..
Actually, I believe that some of the most creative people in the world walk the finest line along the edge of mental health, or at the very least flirt regularly with some form of depression...
Yep, even this slightly creative, self confessed Happy Person, has the days with really grey/black edges.
Clearly You are SERIOUSLY creative.
Posted by: deeleea | October 03, 2005 at 11:25 PM
"Pssst! Hey, kid, can you score me some threads?"
Priceless, Andre. Hope the rest of the night's dreams were sweet dreams.
Posted by: Jeannette | October 04, 2005 at 01:35 AM
What an ace post.
You must get the coat. I go to Topshop, I don't care. I pretend I am a very seriously stylish fashion journalist, and not just some aged person lurking in a yoof's shop.
All creative people are mad. It's the rule. I don't want any sane people in my club, how dull would that be?
Posted by: Claypot | October 04, 2005 at 02:02 AM
Get the coat Andre, you can always snip the label out of it afterwards!
Posted by: winegirl | October 04, 2005 at 02:35 AM
Good morning - its now 9am
I spent the rest of my night/morning dreaming that the members of coldplay hated me so much that they decided to throw me out of the van - in the middle of a rainy night - as it whizzed a long at 70 mph -
And I hate , hate , this post - I am now trying to resist the temptation to delete the bastard - might throw a new picture up - so no one reads the fucker ....
Posted by: andre | October 04, 2005 at 03:14 AM
Don't delete it, please. I have copied and pasted it, and if you delete it I shall be forced to republish it word for word on my site. Mwahahahaha (evil laugh).
Oh, and the one in four thing? I think it's one in one in blogland. I'm convinced of it.
Posted by: Vaughan | October 04, 2005 at 03:28 AM
darcy - yes I meant 'worn' not warn
Dawn - don't have any best friends [really need to change this]
Deeleea - oh yes I am SERIOUSLY creative.
Claypot - thank you - you are too kind 'all creative people are mad 'it's the rule' - I like that
Winegirl - am not bothered about the label - it's the entering of the shop that scares the fuck out of me.
God I fucking hate this post
blog rule 1 - always make your posts short and interesting - else people will bore of you midway through and switch off
Posted by: andre | October 04, 2005 at 03:28 AM
oh hello Vaughan [didn't see you there]
one in one - yes I thought that too - but then thought I was being a little presumptuous
Posted by: andre | October 04, 2005 at 03:34 AM
Great post Andre! Yeah I agree, more like 1 in 1, in blogland. F***k normal, thank heaven for
"crazy" people.
Without us - who would question? Who would provoke? Who would challenge?
Lets take over the world!
Posted by: Mr Wibble | October 04, 2005 at 04:19 AM
You hate being 38? Wait till you hit 40 mate. I'd save up some depression for then.
Posted by: Mike E | October 04, 2005 at 05:10 AM
I do not want to think about being 40 thank you very much.
I shall be 39 in November [which is bad enough]
Posted by: andre | October 04, 2005 at 05:17 AM
I hate Topshop too, but I agree with your other commenters that you should get the coat.
As for late nights, why not go with your natural body clock, even if that means 3am?
I've given up trying to fight my own circadian rhythm (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circadian_rhythm) - I do my best creative stuff between 1am and 4am, and can run the longest distances when I am training at 8pm in the evening - contrary to what is usually recommended as being the 'best' time to do those things.
Just go with what feels natural - and please continue to post it :-)
Posted by: The Girl | October 04, 2005 at 06:14 AM
EXCUSE ME!
If I'm up at that time and I'm on the computer there is only one thing I'm doing... and it ain't building bombs, or anything to do with jumping off buildings. I refuse to have my right to be a pervert and visit "Hot Moms in High Heels" taken away from me so glibly.
Bloody Guardian reading liberals...
(You know, sometimes, I really just shouldn't comment. Right?)
(ohh and it's not 1 in 4, 1 in 2 or even 1 in 1. No no, it's 1.3429874 in 4.24192... unless the wind is blowing from the east... obviously!)
Posted by: Gordon | October 04, 2005 at 06:17 AM
Get the red coat. I had some red shoes once and lots of people told me they really liked them; Hope you slept well after all that
Posted by: Anji | October 04, 2005 at 06:32 AM
Long live the crazy people!!!!
Posted by: Laura | October 04, 2005 at 06:55 AM
Vaughan's right of course.
Glad to read you're feeling better. (I know that because people only think of shopping for clothes when they're feeling a bit chipper.)
OK - tell me I'm wrong. But what I'm not wrong about is Charity Shops. You'll see some great clothes there - and the beauty is they're (mostly) one-offs. Do they have charity shops in London, or is everyone completely rich?
Posted by: Peter | October 04, 2005 at 07:19 AM
so what if you are crazy but not creative, does this mean that you aren't really crazy? if this is true, then there is nothing wrong with me... now i am really depressed
Posted by: chlamygirl | October 04, 2005 at 07:49 AM
Andre, if that's a long post, I seriously need to cut mine down. Don't delete it. It's honest and funny, and therefore good.
It's nice to know that there are other loons around.
Posted by: Delarue | October 04, 2005 at 08:30 AM
Ace .... I say buy the coat ....
If not ... you will just have to buy one here in Canada ....
Posted by: Sarahs Dad | October 04, 2005 at 09:01 AM
I did not buy the jacket - you can't buy it until the bastards release their winter wear? whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr .
I went to the charity shops - I bought a 1960s scarf [2.50] an army jacket [£15.50 but it does have silver bottons] and a grey suit jacket [£3.50 - matches scarf] I may put up some pictures
Peter we do have charity shops - and I do shop in them - they are ace
Hi sarahs dad - I shall buy a thick wooly coat when I come to visit
Delarue - you are never alone
chalmygirl - if you write a blog - you pick the colours for your blog - you are creative
Laura - God bless the crazy people
Anji - i already have a pair of red trainers
Gordon - Hot Moms in High Heels?
The girl - yes I really do think/work better between 1 - 4 am
Posted by: andre | October 04, 2005 at 10:22 AM
buy the coat, buy the coat, go into the store, buy it.
Posted by: maria | October 04, 2005 at 11:10 AM
If I was normal I'd probably have to learn to play golf. And then I'd kill myself.
I'm going to have some tee-shirts printed up reading "Not Crazy, Just Creative!" Anyone want to buy one?
Posted by: Alan | October 04, 2005 at 12:07 PM
Peter said: "Vaughan's right of course".
Yes, and this is what I've been trying to tell EVERYBODY since I was 18 years old. I am right. I am right about EVERYTHING.
I'm modest too.
Posted by: Vaughan | October 04, 2005 at 03:03 PM
I am loving all the army/combat style jackets and shirts that are around at the moment.... get one andre, you'll look fabulous in it :)
Posted by: pink | October 09, 2005 at 05:17 AM
i have lots of weird dreams, really weird ones
Good, i'm not alone
Posted by: Q | October 02, 2009 at 08:16 AM