I just wanna

Why are Indian shopkeepers always on the phone?

Who are they talking to?

Does 'Asian Babe' run a 24-hour hotline?

I arrive at the Blessed Ones door, take a deep breath and enter.

Today, I want to continue talking about my tragic childhood. The complete terror I felt during each and every catastrophic interview I attended – The humiliation I felt during my time at Wembley Playcraft.

Wembley Playcraft was a toy factory. It made footballs, ducks and bright red AK47’s. I was in charge of the cardboard box department. I lasted six weeks. I left with no reference and a crushed ego. I then moved on to the trauma of unemployment. This lasted several hundred years.

I take a seat, and mentally prepare to off load. The Blessed One smiles and asks me how I feel? This question floors me slightly and I have to re-think my opening line.

‘Lost’ I eventually say ‘completely lost’

The Blessed One asks me to explain further.

‘I feel like a child - lost in a busy office – everywhere I look I can see grown ups dashing about doing important grown up things whilst I sit in the corner, too afraid to play with the big boys’

‘You are very good at painting pictures’ smiles the Blessed One

I nod proudly.

‘And that’s the problem’ she continues ‘ you are very good at explaining, rationalizing, creating an image for me to understand, but you never relax, you never take a deep breath and just feel … you only allow the fear, the pain, the shame in for the briefest of moments and then you start to explain, describe, think of ways to fix it – make it go away’

I stop nodding.

‘I have tried from day one to get you to feel. I have tried for over a year but still you refuse to feel. Andre, stop analysing the pain, stop looking at it from the outside in. To fix it, you must feel it. Now how do you feel?’

‘Lost, frightened, foolish’ I howl, tears streaming down my face.

The Blessed one sits silently for almost 10 minutes, whilst I continue to cry. ‘You’ re never going back to the bad old days … those days are gone … but unless you let go … unless you feel … you will be stuck in this place … in this lost place, forever more … you must trust yourself … you must feel’

Eventually the tears stop falling, I pull myself together, and ask the Blessed One why she thinks Indian shopkeepers are always on the phone?

Comments

[Caroline]

Perhaps they are talking to their own Blessed One.

[Sarsparilla]

Beautifully written.

"stop analysing the pain, stop looking at it from the outside in. To fix it, you must feel it"

Interesting. I wonder how much blogging is part of a process like this, for most people.

[zed]

you have my number, andre, although i'm not an asian babe. sorry about that.

[Darcy]

Sounds as though maybe you had a breakthrough. Good for you....I think. I do think blogging is a good way to help you to deal with feelings, glad to see you're still at it ^_^

[katie]

aw hunny, i hear you. it does sound like a breakthrough though. hugs. x

[Silver Lining]

Wow, well done, Andre! That was brave - let's hope it was significant, too. Keep at it :)

[LukePDQ]

Andre, Maybe you are not giving yourself permission to acknowledge your skills. Instead, you focus on the negatives; which actually are only negative when viewed from the inside. From the outside, you appear differently than you imagine. Take your blog. If you were paid to blog, you would be acknowledged by your readers to be providing a sensitive and amusing insight into your life. This has a real value. Only the fact you are "unwaged" makes you feel employment is a challenge. The reality is you have certain skills and artistic insight that is currently unwaged, not unappreciated !

[vit]

ah, the blessed one is truly blessed, for she knows the truth... <--- read that in a kind of dalai lhama voice please...andre...you is getting there. you is.

[bella]

wow !
loved the whole painting pictures bla bla - good, she is good.
then feeling the pain - shit, she's even a little scary good.
i've been away on holiday and so much bloody happens!!
glad to see you're still asking the important questions like why those bastards are ALWAYS on the phone!!

[Gordon]

What hurts us only makes us stronger.

Someone said (and I'm probably misquoting). Having been through a painful time, both Louise (who it also affected) and I look back and admit that it was required. Without that we wouldn't be where we are today.

Yes it's painful, horrible but it's the first step.

Every journey and all that... (another quote I can't be bothered finishing).

Ohh and if you sneak up on them they only pick up the phone when they see you.

[Anji]

You are brave Andre. I've often wondered where all the grown ups went, I certainly haven't turned into one.

[alfredsmom]

Have you tried painting a picture of yourself happy? Maybe if you can try getting a mental image of your life happy, then you can try to play the role of a happy person. Maybe trying to live the "ideal life" you could create in your mind would help improve your real life.

[Celeste]

Perhaps because they are moonlighting as call centre workers?

[Ms Jones]

She's right, you know

The blessed one, that is.

But Celeste is probably right too. About the asian call centres

x

[andy]

I would second that view as being both shopkeeper and call centre managers....

[Southern Bird]

but.. why does feeling the emotions make you able to deal with them? when i properly 'feel' without just swallowing the lump down.. then there's just a black pit, no light, no hope. Why would i want to 'feel'?
Did she explain more?
I wish i could afford a Blessed one.

[The Girl]

Your Blessed One is right.

x

[pink]

Glad to see you got your priorities straight, Andre ;)

x

[pink]

ps. Oh My God, I can see that woman's grundies! :o

[Lochs]

Your Mum does sound fab, but more importantly you yourself sound happy and upbeat which is a step in the right direction.

Glad you changed the photo. The womans pants were a little off-putting!!

[vit]

pants? I missed pants? andre? pants?

[Cincysundevil]

Andre
Just be sad when you need to be sad. It sounds crazy but that was the best advice I ever got and after a bit, I hit a point where I just didn't want to be sad. I'll be honest with you, I wish I had the strength to reveal all of the shit that is welling up inside me because I'm sure it would help to do so. You're a strong man, bro; we all see it and hopefully you will too someday.

[Mari]

I think I've learned a lesson from your blessed one. She's right in that we'll never go back to the past.

What was her response re: Indian shopkeepers, because they seem to do the same here in the US.

Mari

[mag]

I have noticed that,too. Indian shopkeepers are constantly on the phone.And they stay on the phone even when one ceases to pretend politely, that one's only purpose was doing stuff inventory. Insightful sociological discovery has been made!. I should use my stay in America to write self help book on "how to deal with anger & rejection while in Indian shop" or "shopping and meditation" perhaps? Would Ophra appreciate my effort? Will keep you posted.