A beautiful: School

By the time I reached middle school Ashley my homosexual friend had been replaced by Mark. Mark was a completely ‘normal’ boy. He liked football, fighting and girls – our friendship lasted 3 weeks. I spent the next 3 years alone, desperately trying not to be noticed, praying each and every night that big school wouldn’t be so dull.

‘Do you find life dull?’ asks the Blessed One

‘Dull is perhaps the wrong word … my life isn’t dull … it’s boring … I find life, people, myself, boring’

‘Why do you find life boring?’

Well if I knew that - I wouldn’t be here, with you, would I, you stupid cow, I think but manage to keep to myself. Honestly – pay peanuts …

Big school wasn’t dull – it was terrifying. I had 27 GODDAMN PANIC ATTACKS within the first month. Life was really bad, I thought, until I met Joe - the schools bully. His ‘if you don’t nick sweets for me everyday, I’ll kick your fucking head in’ threats, were more than I could take – Suicide became a real option.

One year, my Mother [now divorced] and her new partner [Tit] took my brother and I to Wales for the week – when we returned, our house had been burgled. The police were called and they immediately question their chief suspect – ME. I explained that I WAS IN FUCKING WALES AT THE TIME WITH MY MOTHER AND HER PARTNER [TIT] YOU STUPID FAT BNP SUPPORTING FOOL and so they eliminated me from their inquiries and moved on to prime suspect number two – Joe, the school bully. Joe was charged … Ha. When I returned to school the following week Joe and half the school were waiting for me. Whilst I put up a good fight [I hid for two hours in the library] they eventually found me and beat the shit out of me. From that day fourth, I hardly went to school. I spent most of my time in record shops being harassed by paedophiles. One day I was standing in Spin-a-disc perusing the latest American imports when a man asked if I’d like to listen to his rare, and quite extensive American import collection. I said I would and several minutes later found myself sitting in his car … ‘Wait a cotton picking minute’ I thought  ‘this is not right … this man is weird … he wants to fuck me up the arse … I am in big trouble here’. I looked across at him shaking in anticipation, I smiled, he smiled back and as we stopped at the lights, I opened the door and ran like the wind. The next day I began taking hardcore drugs – dried banana skins. They were shite.

The Blessed One, turning to a new page in my ever increasing case book, asks me to talk a little more about my Mothers new partner – not wishing to be rude, but now considering a new, slightly wiser Blessed One … I mean … hello … I was beaten to a pulp … harassed by the police … groomed but not quite soiled by a filthy sick paedophile … and I’d started taken hardcore drugs … and she wants to know about my Mothers partner, say ‘he was a complete tit … I didn’t like him … he didn’t like me … he was a tit … and Mother, to be fair – divorced him pretty quick sharpish’.

‘Did your Mothers new partner make you feel jealous … did you feel abandoned’ asks the Blessed One.

I nod and decide to get a new therapist first thing Monday morning.

I am now 18. I have a Girlfriend called Marcia. We have sex on a regular basis. Every Friday night I walk through the scariest neighbourhood in town [Kingsheath] with my UB40 and Yellow Man albums to meet her at the local youth club. Marcia normally waits for me outside but on this particular evening she doesn’t. I spend the whole night trying to convince Trudy [Marcia’s friend] that Marcia hasn’t dumped me for a ‘handsome thug’ called Terry. Trudy is unconvinced. I go home and phone Marcia. There is no reply. I spend the next four days trying to speak to Marcia but every time I phone - her Mother fobs me off with excuses. I am gutted, crushed - my world has no meaning.

A few days later Marcia knocks at my door, with Terry - the handsome thug from Kingsheath.

‘Have you been sleeping with my girlfriend’ Asked Terry, menacingly

‘ABSOLUTLEY NOT’ I say

‘Good’ he growls, dragging Marcia back up the garden path.

I never heard from Marcia again.

My Mother tried to comfort me ‘It’s her lose … there’s plenty more fish in the sea’ she gushes. My Father still … still unable to forget the pooing incident wants to know what I plan to do with the rest of my life - when am I going to get a goddamn Job?

Comments

[Mad]

I'm glad that my friends and I weren't the only ones to experiment with hardcore banana skins. I've spent 16 years thinking that I just had a very, very weird set of mates. Hurrah!

[zed]

i tried smoking them, thinking it was cool. well you would if you were 16.

eeeeeeeyuk.

[Lost]

Banana skins??? I must have led a sheltered life since I've never heard of smoking banana skins. lol

[katie]

banana skins? some people eat them apparently. some people being...- my dad

[lou lou]

you're more normal than you think you know.....( ok so i'm not normal either but the thought comforts me)

[Caroline]

Damn. A drug du jour that past me by...

[little red]

yep ive heard of smoking banana peel :)...but have you tried injecting Vegemite.....LOL...yes i kid you not that rumor went around our school...(Wankers)

[vit]

I tried the half the contents of the kitchen cupboards rolled up up in rizlas... well.. I was cheap. chilli powder was interesting.
I'm loving your autobiog.

[Anji]

My kids were telling me about the wonder of banana skins, not that anyone they actually know has tried them (except me when I was very, very young)
Were there any nice bits in your life?

[Silver Lining]

I did banana skins, and splints from the biology lab. You know, like extra long lollipop sticks. They were crap, too.

[bren]

Did you get a 'goddamn job' yet ? ;^)

[SpencerSteel]

Nothing to do with anything you posted here. But you have consistently fine music taste.

I feel like my iPod wants to takes your iPod out to the a disco, invite it up for a coffee and then make some mini-iPods.

[Taarna]

I've smoked dried banana peels before. I think I was about 13 or so. The guy I was with swore that they would get me high. I remember thinking,"You lied. You asshole."

[Girokonto kostenlos]

Funny, I am from Germany, we have the same lie about the dried banana stuff here... But they told me not to smoke the peals, I had to dry and smoke the small stripes from the fruit... did not work either....

Greetz, Hans Girokonto

[Jason Lasik Risks]

Damn. A drug du jour that past me by...

[feabberry]

I will support legislation that benefits the American worker and prevents the outsourcing of American jobs.

[Antendthink]

To pursue a so-called Third Way is foolish. We had our experience with this in the 1960s when we looked for a socialism with a human face. It did not work, and we must be explicit that we are not aiming for a more efficient version of a system that has failed.