A beautiful: Playschool

At the age of three I managed to pull a pan of boiling milk over me. I cried. I howled and proceeded to have my sixth GODDAMN PANIC ATTACK. I spent the next few months in hospital having skin grafts, physiotherapy and getting my arse whooped at table snooker by a black girl with one arm. The only positive thing about this particular stay in hospital was my bed. It was a proper bed – impossible for ginger midgets to poo under.

The Blessed One appears concerned by my tale and asks to see my scar but completely dismisses the humiliation I felt/feel about the girl with one arm. I show her my scar and insist that the black girl with one arm ‘wouldn’t stand a chance now’. The Blessed One reluctantly agrees.

I am now 4. It is time for me to enter the scary world of kinder garden. I do not want to go. No-sir-ree. I cry. I howl. I have my seventh GODDAMN PANIC ATTACK. My Mother tries to comfort me, my Father; still angry about the pooing incident just wants me out of the house. I’m amazed he didn’t ship me off to boarding school. Kinder garden was horrible, horrible, but compared to my first day at proper school - it was a breeze.

The Blessed One wants to know more about my relationship with my Father. ‘Why was your father angry with you. How did it feel knowing he was angry with you?’ she asks, her pen poised.

‘Shite’ I say

She writes it down.

I continue my tale of woe

The fear I felt on my first day at school is beyond words. The place was packed to the rafters with bitchy children and evil teachers desperately trying to groom me for their friends. I wet my pants on several occasions. I only had one friend. His name was Ashley. Looking back, I think Ashley fancied me. We used to play in the playground - whenever the girls said ‘lets play kiss chase’ Ashley would pull a funny face and run away. To this day, I feel deeply hurt that Ashley - my so-called friend – never trusted me with his homosexual secret.

The Blessed One and I have discussed my sexuality in great detail and we have concluded, much to my amazement, that I’m not a closet homosexual. I am a ladies man.

I’m slightly disappointed but decide not to share this with her.

Comments

[pink]

hey - i poured boiling milk over myself too!!

oooh, beat you though - was 11 months old when i achieved this feat, so nerrr ;)

*has the scar - can prove it*

[bren]

I'm confused
You're 'slightly disappointed' that you are a ladies man?
Did you like Ashley that much?

[zed]

you've got lovely legs, andre. no wonder ashley fancied you.

[Jeannette]

Hmmm..I understand your amazement. How do the little boy bits stay inside shorts so short?

[Lochs]

I threw up on my first day of school...all over the headmaster!!! I'm sure that's why I never made prefect.

Nice socks man. Stunning!

[katie]

i went out a fire exit on my first day and coudnt get back in so after crying kicking and screaming i went home

stunning socks by the way

[Chick]

My first day at primary school, we were in the "play corner" and a ginger haired girl hit me in the face with a rolling pin...she broke my nose and gave me a black eye

Bloody ginger people...

Why are you disappointed that you are a ladies man? Not that it would make any difference if you were gay or not...

[Rob]

How could Ashley not fancy you with those fabulous socks?

[Lou]

really!
The denim ensemble... socks and sandals...sceams gay to me!

[elspeth]

stunning socks!!! I want some

[robin]

Just revisited.

Fabulous stuff.

[Greavsie]

Lovely tie and shorts ensemble. If I only had the guts to wear them now.

[Silver Lining]

I saw those socks and thought oooh, bees! And was promptly stung on the back of my knee. Does the Blessed One have a vacancy? I'm traumatised...

How do you remember so much? My formative years are utterly a blur. Probably suppressed trauma, I imagine...

[Lost]

Omg wouldja look at those skinny skinny legs! The socks are marvelous btw.

[Caroline]

Suede?

Are you sure?

Good post Andre, and you haven't even got to big school yet.

[Southern Bird]

I was wondering why you are wearing a tie.
And yes, lovely socks!

Your blessed one would have a field day with me, i cant remember hardly anything before the age of eleven, and the things i do remember, lets just say they aren't pretty. Terror instilled by own mother, child sex abuse by a 75 year old neighbour, isolation, verbal degradation, being asked to choose between living with my nightmare mother, or my father whom i hadn't lived with for five years and his new wife that i'd seen twice... You get the picture. And yep still messes with my head now. I ALWAYS want to please EVERYONE and am constantly seeking approval from EVERYONE.

[Southern Bird]

P.S.

Do you like me?

[unfurling]

"The Blessed One and I have discussed my sexuality in great detail and we have concluded, much to my amazement, that I’m not a closet homosexual. I am a ladies man.

I’m slightly disappointed but decide not to share this with her"

- DO YOU KNOW ME?

[Mari]

I think you and I must compare notes one of these days.

[liz]

Bloody hell Andre, you haven't changed a bit.
And by that I mean the photo becasue I am sure you have changed rather alot and for the better, but you just can't see it yet.
Every time my demons come back I think 'oh god, back to square one' but, looking back, each time those demons bugger off a little bit quicker. Hope the same goes for you.

[liz]

Bloody hell Andre, you haven't changed a bit.
And by that I mean the photo becasue I am sure you have changed rather alot and for the better, but you just can't see it yet.
Every time my demons come back I think 'oh god, back to square one' but, looking back, each time those demons bugger off a little bit quicker. Hope the same goes for you.

[k]

Re: Sticks and Stones, (comments were closed there) well either I've lost the plot or you have. What's up Andre?

[bella]

you two dudes are tooooo cool for words!!!